It was 7:30pm, when the contractions started, yet at that time, I was not sure if it was
a contraction or not. I was laying in bed, when I felt my stomach tighten, and I was unsure
of what was happening.
No, I did not forget that I was 9 months pregnant; Like I could. It was more that I had nothing else to rely on, but my brother's medical books, that talked about labor, and giving birth. It was the 21st of April, on a Saturday evening, when the first contractions started. On through the night, I would turn here and there and get little sleep.
At this time, my parents were still angry and bitter towards me, as I had ruined the family's reputation by going out and well, conceiving a baby outside of marriage. So I had been getting the silent treatment for about 2 weeks and a half, or so, as they literally found out I was pregnant by the time I was 8 and a half months pregnant! No, seriously, I was able to hide my pregnancy up til then. So, it was a big bomb that fell on them, and I totally give them every right to have felt so.
I will not get into much about the how, and why or any circumstances in regards to this, with one exception, at the time my baby was conceived, I was already at a dead end, point of my life, in which, nothing, absolutely nothing mattered to me anymore. I had been crushed, hurt, and blinded, by much, and then before ending my utterly, boring and pathetic, life, I decided to do every little thing I had always been told not to do, and so my child's father, simply took the opportunity, I had given him, and we never were in love, less would I have married him, but one day, he took me aside and asked," What will you do if you end up pregnant?", to which I replied," If I ever end up pregnant I will not abort the child, and I will suffer the consequences in order to give birth and raise him/her, with love and patience."
He then said," I respect that, and I would also say, that I would deny all rights to fathering this baby, in order for my son or daughter to live with you always, as I have nothing to offer, and there is no love in between us."
So, once I knew I had conceived, I remembered this conversation and did as I was told. I am the only parent she has ever known, and we will get to her asking questions, later on.
Back to my ongoing labor, as sunday arrived, I decided to keep my mouth shut, in regards to the pain, and I had it in my mind, that I deserved to suffer more pain than any other woman had ever suffered, due to my sins. After14 hours of being in labor, I finally told my mom, that the baby was indeed coming. Now, at this point, I had nothing prepared in order to receive my baby girl. And right before we headed to the public hospital, a cousin and his girlfriend came by to drop off clothing, blankets, baby bottles, ect...
My mom, merely looked at me and said," Ok, get in the car." As we drove to the hospital, I was sitting behind her, and the contractions were getting stronger. I would hold my breath, and dig my nails into my thighs, but not once did I scream out in pain. I had been forewarned, by someone, that the hospital I was being taken to, if any young mother screamed, the nurses would taunt you and call you names, and they preferred you not make any noise at all. I believed her and did as was told.
As we neared the hospital, my mom, said a quick prayer, and dropped me off, and wished me luck. I had nothing to say, and clearly I was terrified. A nurse took me to a cot, and said," Take your clothes off, and put this on." , as she waited, I asked," Where is the restroom?", she laughed and said, " honey, by the time you leave, we will have seen everything we need to see!".
I wanted to hide myself, so in the end, I did as told, and then was ordered to lay on the cot and not move. I got bored, and started walking around, to help my baby come down, and another nurse, reprimanded me, and ordered me back to my cot. Mind you, I was not in a private room, I was in a large room with several cots, separated by curtains; I could hear other women crying in pain, or yelling for their mothers!
I was left alone for around 4 hours, and not once did anyone come and check how far along I was. Finally, around midnight a nurse came and took me to another room. As we entered, I saw and heard the following:
A young girl about 14 or 15 years of age about to have her first baby, screaming out for her mother, and surrounded by nurses who kept on yelling back," Why you screaming and crying now, when your man was inside you, all you did was lay back and laugh?"
At the far end of the room, a woman in her mid 40's was having her 3rd baby, and was asking for an epidural to which the nurses replied," You went and got yourself pregnant, now you get to enjoy giving birth and feeling real pain..."
I was totally shocked, and felt bad, when a nurse pin pointed me out by saying to both woman and child," Look at her, she has been in labor, for almost two days, and she has not uttered one sound. Why can't you be like her? She is the best patient we've had, tonight!"
By that time, my limbs were jerking and I felt cold and tired. A nurse finally came to rupture my membranes, or sac, and then someone else placed an iv in my vein and started injecting, that medication that makes your contractions stronger. Boy, I almost cried out but in the end, I would just clench the side bars of my bed, as hard as I could and in the end, tears started flowing down my face, but I kept my mouth shut. Then, I started pushing, and suddenly felt her head, and told a nurse, and they rushed me to the Delivery Room, which was down the hall, and as we got there, I was told to move over to the table, and I was like, what table? There was this long metal thing, that was so thin, I nearly fell over!
The resident doctor, calmly walked in, and I was wondering why he was taking his time to get dressed, and picking the instruments he would use! I waited like for 20 more minutes, and was being told to not push!
I had it and told him, I could not wait any longer and started pushing and felt her body come out, and a nurse screamed, and ran to get her, and it was crazy after that! My baby girl ended ripping me up pretty bad, and I was just relieved to have pushed her out, and then the doctor grabbed her and lifted her up, and the first thing I saw, was her cute, round, pinkish, butt cheeks, and a bruise, and I was just like, " Wow! she has a big butt!", I could not fathom how such a big baby, had come out of my body! I am 4 ft 11 inches tall, and my body overall, after being obese for a period of time, at which time I weighed close to 300 pounds, was wide enough, yet I still could not believe she came out of me! I have lost over 200 pounds but need to lose at least some 40 more pounds, to be at my ideal weight!
She weighed in at 5lbs and 8 oz, and was 21 inches long. She was born at 1:23am on the 23rd of April of 2001. She had a full head of black hair, and has her daddy's eyes, and my nose and mouth, and his hair and feet and big hands.
They did not let me hold her at all, as the doctor had to repair the damage and I ended up with over 200 stitches and felt the last 40 or so, that was awful! A nurse took her away, and I could only hear her whimpering as the blanket they used was not soft, nor warm enough. Her head was not even covered up.
After 45 minutes of giving birth, they finally let me hold her and then I was told to breastfeed her, and I had no idea what to do, or how to hold her even! Yet, when I saw her beautiful eyes, looking at me, and her rosy cheeks, I forgot all pain I had within me, and all burdens, and just connected with her, and fell in love with her.
I had gone through great strains in taking care of her during my pregnancy as best I could.. and was happy that she came out as healthy as any baby can be!
I will never forget this day, nor will I stop talking about her big butt! she has threateneded to sue me if I ever tell this to her future boyfriends...haha!
One thing is for sure, I started loving my baby girl, before she even came out, but once I saw her, that love became more real to me. She is the reason, I started fighting back, to become independent and to stand up for myself.
I was 21 yrs of age when I got pregnant and was 22 when I became a mother. My parents were so ashamed, and hurt, and I was shunned there on after.
I lost a family but gained a family member, all at once.
And throughout this whole ordeal, my faith as shaky as it was at that point, kept me going.
Angel 4 Eternity
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